I swear. Sometimes I wonder if I pay just for training sessions or comedic relief. Because y’all. Words can’t describe the hilarity that happened tonight.
So, the session started off in the ‘Tire and Battery Shop’ like Mr. Trainer calls it. It’s a separate room off from the gym filled with most regular gym stuff added with a lot of Crossfit type stuff.
Mr. Trainer: “So, I think we need to start working on heavy lifting. Deadlifts.”
Me: “Ok, whatever.”
For those of you that aren’t into the gym vocabulary, this is what I’m talking about…..
|Of course it's not me...but so help me it will be someday!|
It’s the thing that a lot of people are intimidated by. They mostly see the very built guys wearing the weird belt and grunting over.
Mr. Trainer: “But first, we’re going to do some stretches and kind of simulate it to get you used to it.”
So….he proceeds to show me what to do in his very serious teacher voice.
I figure it can’t be too hard so I go for it…..and find that it feels like I’ve had too much to drink as the balance is so not attractive.
Mr. Trainer: “Ok – I realize you are….well, um…have more chest weight than I do, but try to control it and focus.”
Me: (Being that I have the humor of a teenage boy….Giggle. And with No Shame.)
Mr. Trainer: “Now, be serious. Focus!”
Me: “Sorry – it’s just that when you say those things, you blush so hard, and How in the world am I supposed to keep a straight face????”
Mr. Trainer: “ Gah. Just. Do. It.”
So then he gets me to do the deadlifts. And I swear, there are two things running through my head:
1) You really have to be comfortable with the person teaching you this because your behind literally has to stick out so far….and your trainer has to physically position your body this way. And, you have to stick your chest out like you’re waiting for whistles. Side note: It took everything in me not to bubble over with giggles. Because. WEIRD. And he had the serious face because he’s for real about this stuff.
2) You understand the douchebaggery that is so prevalent at gyms now. You find yourself thinking, “Wow – this is cool. I wonder what weight we can get up to! I can now officially be considered a badass.” It’s a problem.
So we continue with that and he keeps adding weight – I so rocked it and can’t wait for the next time. See? Douchebaggery.
Then halfway through, all of a sudden 3 other trainers that I’m familiar with enter all on their own and not with clients – just to do their own workout. For most, this might be a dream come true. However for me, I don’t see how, when I’m already sweating in places I’d rather not talk about , would I enjoy that audience.
This situation brought on so many things …….including Mr. Trainer having to quietly apologize saying, “I swear I don’t claim them, I just need to be entertained over a few beers now and then.” I know, Mr. Trainer….we all have those friends.
And 6 of which………
1) You’re not sure if they just don’t realize you’re there or if you’ve become such a fixture that they figure you witnessing their conversations is no problem. (And they obviously have no idea I have a blog.) I heard things that would definitely make grown men blush. And they all actually know my name, which brings me to #3…..WHY DO THEY KNOW MY NAME. The anxiousness that this causes can not be truly explained.
2) You realize that they all have an instinctive need to teach people when they inherently start to bark off orders to you while you’re doing strange things with weights and through the haze of all the prettiness around you, you forget who to listen to and start falling all over yourself…..because WHAT NORMAL PERSON COULD STAY STEADY THROUGH THAT. And you forget to be too embarrassed because of said haze of prettiness.
3) You will most definitely take mental notes on how the opposite sex thinks of girls and their dates. Surely, I can use this as future ammunition.
4) You hear quotes like “I’m pretty sure we just used each other.” And “Wait….was that Wednesday night or Friday night girl?.......along with a slew of other markers.” And you begin to wonder if you’ve ever been on a date with someone and been given a nickname. TRUST ME….you only know if it’s a good or bad thing based on the nickname.
5) You will appreciate Mr. Trainer so much more, but view a lot of people differently, when after the workout he explains what some of those nicknames mean. I can’t ever unhear it, y’all.
6) You wonder if some of these stories heard tonight could be put in a blog post without somehow being sued for breech of something years down the line. Then you realize…..”Yep, I’ll just put them in a book some day and change the names.”
Have I mentioned lately how much I adore my gym and the characters that come with it?? Sometimes it’s the ONLY thing that gets me through, y’all.
Life.Is.Hilarious. And, I should add....they really are a great group of sweet hearted guys....but let's be honest.....they're still guys.