Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Conversations with Mr. Trainer: Victory WILL be mine!

So Mr. Trainer went on vacay last week which meant that I didn’t have someone waiting for me 3 out of those 7 days to actually show up and work out. 

For the first time in NINE WHOLE MONTHS.  That's an accomplishment in itself and I'm grateful for it.

I was nervous…..like a totally irrational nervousness that I just wouldn’t go in at all.  Because NO ONE WOULD KNOW.  Absolutely no one.  Except for me. 

I’ve mentioned I’m a people pleaser……and I ain’t joking.

Now, I have gotten so much better at doing cardio on my “off” training days – but even if I don’t have training, he’s still there at the gym.  And he notices if he doesn’t see me show up on those “off” days. 

I need this accountability.  It’s the entire reason I hired a trainer in the first place…I’ll show up for other people….but hardly ever for myself.  This has been true in so many ways and in so many aspects of my life that I know it can’t all be fixed at once….but it is getting better.

It’s a character flaw that in the last year I recognize and remain very hyper-aware of….even when it sneaks up sometimes and flat pisses me off.  This is a very good thing that I can now recognize it, and though I don’t always self-correct, at least I’m getting better at acknowledging when I do or do not make choices that will better my life.

So last week began and I had a little talk with myself to just go the first day.  Just one day.  That was all I needed to worry about at that moment. 

So, I went….and it turns out his other clients were there too….and happened to walk by the elliptical with a wave or fist bump for me.  It was a camaraderie like “Hey!  We’re leaderless this week, but we’re doing the hard work anyway, for no one except for ourselves.”  I can honestly say I adore the little gym home I have.  It’s not the scary intimidating place I walked into 9 months ago – it’s now a safe haven….and I love that.

And I went in the next, then made it to 3, then to 4 and then all the sudden we’re back to Tuesday….my normal first training day of the week………..and when Mr. Trainer did the rundown of how things were?  “How’s the back?  What’s your body doing?  How’s the diet?  And, did you miss me?  I missed you!”

Me: “I missed you terribly, of course.  And I was terrified of being alone with just me for the first time in 9 months.  You know how scary it gets in my head without you there for me to purge on a regular basis….But you know what?”

Mr. Trainer:  “Oh yes, I do…..please tell me you did ok.  What is it?”

Me:  “That plateau I’ve been standing on for two months…..took a mother-loving deep dive into the hell it belongs…..down 4 pounds.  And THAT was me.  All me.  So give me your lunges, squats, and burpees…..whatever you can shove down your pie-hole sweet cheeks…..we’ve got this.”

And then we laughed and fist-bumped and hugged and did our most embarrassing touchdown dance.

Victory is so, so, sweet and as long as I continue to show up for me as much as I show up for others there’s nothing that can stop me.  Believe that.