The conclusion of my narcissistic melodrama (for now)......

My soul sister Fawn never spares her feelings or thoughts in her posts - which I very much respect and enjoy reading because they make me think and feel even when I don't want to - so when she said to me: "I've come to the conclusion that we just have to LIVE our lives. I don't know how to do that, but I'd rather take a risk now than regret not doing so years down the line. What say you?" again, it made me think.

Well, I suppose it's a risk either way when you think about it.....and goodness, I'm So. Sick. of thinking about it I could puke.

It's a risk to not do anything about whatever - and later wish you had. It's a risk to do something and fail miserably.

But - I do know one thing, it's worse to never recognize the choice and at least have made a decision either way - than it is to live your life like you never had one.

I appreciate the challenge - and the sentiment that I'm not alone.

It's funny how when you get really personal and embarassingly honest about something people tend to clam up and say nothing. God forbid we make anyone feel uncomfortable by speaking our truth, right?

People will always comment and encourage about something that on the face is an "everyday problem or life struggle"......but if it's something that's not tangible - that can't be touched or healed - it can be ignored....as to not make anyone feel uncomfortable.

If there's one thing I've realized in the valley of my life these days, it's that I am what I am and I feel what I feel - and I shouldn't try to fix it or make it pretty or make excuses for it just because it makes someone uncomfortable or doesn't fit in with their life or how the people they let in their life should be.

It's not my fault if they sit quietly by and refuse to reach out because again....it makes them uncomfortable.......My life is my choice and how I live it only depends on me.

I'd call that a step. And a damn good one at that.

Stay tuned - one of these days there will be Sunshine!

What do I want for myself?

That is a question that keeps rolling over and over in my mind – and then slowly causes me to get this deep panicky feeling. The kind you get when you’re slowly climbing towards the top of the rollercoaster towards the sign that says, “drop ahead!” It’s a question that I’m not sure that I even want to ask myself, because it causes about 10 more questions to pop up.

And if I do name what I actually want – actually say it out loud, what if it sounds absolutely absurd?

At one point in my life I wanted to be a nurse – at another I wanted to be a lawyer – then another I wanted to own a top political consulting firm.

Honestly, what was I thinking?

Now, I have this writer’s thing that keeps dogging me. I enjoy writing, and I can even pen a witty blog entry from time to time….but write a book? I certainly enjoy reading them, but I think I have this total unbelievable fantasy of being a writer…..one where I can just go off into some secluded cabin (or cottage in Ireland – but that’s a whole other daydream) with my laptop and just write to my hearts content about anything and everything and live my days in blissful silence with a cup of tea and my dog at my side.

But then reality kicks in. Writers don’t just write a story, send it off, and collect a check. They have outlines, structure, character development….details, details, details – blah. When I go so far into what needs to be done to actually “become” a writer my head feels like it’s going to explode…… Then I get back to the work that actually pays my bills.

Do I lack ambition? Or am I just afraid of failing? Probably a little of both.

I’m constantly changing my mind about what I want to be when I grow up. This was partially my problem of why I didn’t finish college. I just didn’t see the point in going to school for something I didn’t have a clue if I wanted to do or not. And I certainly wasn’t going to finish college just because “that’s what was expected of me.”

I used to love my job. I still love it sometimes, but not like I used to. I’m not sure why, but now there are days where it makes me feel trapped. I feel like I have an obligation to stay to take care of what I helped build. Again….to stay and take care of someone else. What has this job done for me? Well, it’s given me LOADS of experience, it’s paid my bills and kept me comfortable enough for a number of years, and it has given me a source of joy all this time. But now, I feel like it’s keeping me from my life. Not that I have much of one anymore – but I think it’s hindering me from becoming what I’m meant to be.

There are certain things in your life that will help shape your future, but aren’t necessarily the things that direct your path to where you’re going. Make sense to you? Yeah me not so much either.

One of these days I’ll figure it out.

Sometimes I scold myself for being so finicky about things and sounding so discontented with my life, but other times I think that if one stops dreaming about what could be – they’re really screwed.

I’m desperately trying to keep my head clear these days. To take a deep breath and face what I want for me – and what I want to do to get there. To face the changes I absolutely have to make in order to start fresh. I’m just afraid it might swallow me whole if I go that deep.

Frozen in Fear*

*I know I haven't posted in a while. I wrote this and went back and forth on posting it. I even thought about changing some things so it doesn't seem so fatalistic. But, I decided that above all things when you're trying to conquer something - you have to be completely honest with yourself and with whatever your outlet is. So, is this honest? Yes. Should you be worried? Probably. Put me on suicide watch? Not yet, but I'll let you know - (just kidding...seriously.) Will I get out of it? Here's hoping so.
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Have you ever felt like you were losing a grip on your current state of reality?

Like you are hanging from a cliff, with one hand on the rope, palms sweating and just hanging on to the fringes?

You can't breathe - there's a tightness in your chest that you don't know where it's coming from....and one wrong move you're completely done.

So you freeze. And don't do a damn thing.

Which isn't good, because no matter how still you are - you're hand will just keep slipping and you'll still plummet. But, on the other hand you have to do something because this could be your last chance.

But the fear of not making the right decision can be so crippling that you'll do everything in your power to ignore it. And to destroy the options that decision has given you.

Sometimes you can almost drive yourself mad with the things coming at you screaming, "deal with me!" So you self-destruct any way you can to ignore those things creating an even bigger mountain to climb for yourself. All the time desperate for someone to recognize it without you having to tell them.

There is no easy solution. There is no solution where you get through it without exposing a part of yourself that you've desperately tried to hide.

I still have to function, I still have to perform, I still have to smile and say all the right things. I still have to be there when everyone else needs me. Every single thing I do on a daily basis is based on the needs of another human being. Most of which will never be reciprocated. This is actually normal for me - dare I say comfortable. Because if I'm helping people with themselves - they look at me less. I can't stand to be looked at.

But lately, I've frozen. So much that I'm neglecting things. Important things. Like, MY life. Basic life functioning things.

And, I'm terrified of turning around and facing what I need to. To even turn on all the lights in my apartment, look around, and focus on me and what's important to me.

Because honestly, I'm afraid I just won't know what those things are.

My Shameless Attempt for Attention

So today marks the 28th year anniversary of
Mofabulous being expelled from her Mother's uterus.

Said uterus still feels pain from time to time after hours of pushing and screaming and eventually giving birth to a 1 month overdue, 10 lb (yes...I said that correctly) bundle of joy......at least she likes to tell me that.

So I kept racking my brain about what to write today. Should I acknowledge it, should I not? And if I do, what in hell do I write about?

It all just became too stressful. It's like the anticipation of New Year's Eve night. You make all kinds of different plans with people and the excitement is just built up so much that it NEVER ends up what you wanted it to be. So you end up alone, on your couch drinking and eating chocolate while watching Ryan Seacrest try to convince everyone he's straight.

So I haven't made one single plan to celebrate.

Am I being a debbie downer today? Not at all. I'm happy it's my birthday, I just don't have any real expectations......therefore, anything that happens is just FABULOUS to me.

See how that works?

So far I've received a cupcake cake from Mrs. V and the Hubs....because secretly I want to be 5 again....and she remembered. It's scrumptious and makes me happy when I look at it.

And, Mr. Big Cheese shocked the crap out of me this morning when he walked in with my favorite Starbucks drink, a card, and a handful of bright balloons. Ha! Now, if any of you knew Mr. Big Cheese, that is highly unlike him. He's the "I'm only comfortable in suits and ties" type guy.....and for him to take the time to order balloons, get a card, and actually walk in to the big government building where everyone ultimately works for him with those in hand....

man, after 10 years of our working relationship - we have progress baby!

So, here's to My new year.....

I hope to live it better than my last.

Maybe he'll grow up smelling like pipe tobacco.....

So at least 4 times today my mother reminded me that my Papaw (her father) would be 100 years old today. Who passed away when I was 4, and somehow I remember his smell. You might think it's a nasty smell that pipe tobacco - but it makes me nostalgic. I remember him - and the toothless smile.

Well, today must be very lucky.

Because my heart is so full.

Mrs. D gave birth to a 7 lb 15 oz baby boy around 5:30 this evening.

We met over 9 years ago. She the hippie-dressing, yoga class taking - turned teacher, sweet hearted designer girl right out of college. Myself, the obnoxious talking, business minded, over-worked teenager who didn't make friends at work. We grew together - went to happy hour together - lamented about the horrible 20's. She was desperate to find her prince charming. I fought her on that the whole way. I was her "we gotta go girl." She still tells me to this day that I don't have a guy because I'm a bitch (said with love - promise).

3 1/2 years ago, her aunt and uncle set her up with a strapping young man who was in Iraq. They started emailing. Then sending videos. We would stay up late watching Sex and the City, drinking wine, and giggling over his pictures. He was HOT. And I didn't hesitate in telling her that. A tall drink of half-samoan water. The first time I met him he gave me a big hug and bought me a drink. Yes, I'm cheap. I was sold.

One year later, I was all teary-eyed watching them exchange their vows.

Today, I stood in a room with monitors beeping, her telling me that these drugs they gave her? "Yeah - we'd been missing out....waaaay better than wine." He wasn't saying much. The normally very loud towering man was a little speechless. I told her it was time to "put her game face on." and walked out a little concerned about my blood pressure.

3 hours later, Her Man, walked into the waiting room with two thumbs up. With the ONLY information was that he was good, and it was indeed the expected boy. NO OTHER INFORMATION. Geez....we need to give these husbands a list of information to get before they come out for the announcement in the waiting room.

About an hour later, I walked into the room....she was, ahem...in a slight state of undress and waiting for the nurse to hand over her boy for his first meal.

I don't know how to eloquently talk about the profound experience it is when one of your special friends gives birth to their very first child.

But, I will remember for the rest of my God-given life....

When your dad called my cell about half an hour before you entered this world and stuttered, "It's happening, It's happening!"

That your daddy was white as a sheet. Telling me he needed to order a subscription of Parenting magazine pronto.

When your grandmother told me your momma told your daddy when your head started to come out, "Get ready to meet your only child!"

How your momma giggled when you nursed for the first time like a freakin' champ!

How she smiled and looked at me and said, "Mofabulous, can you believe it? I'm a momma."

How your parents just kept staring at you like they were waiting for you to start doing flips - or grow two heads - or do something.

How I felt when I saw your daddy brush your mom's hair while she nursed you so she'd be somewhat "presentable" for company.

How Mrs. V started making a list of all the questions about birth she wanted to know in the waiting room. You and Baby V can be homies.

And seeing all the people that couldn't wait to meet you.

You are loved little boy. Not just because your this new sweet baby, but because we love your parents. We love them for everything they were before you were even a thought. I love my Momma D, because I was there for the boys that tried to catch her heart before your daddy (because she's fabulous), but she knew she had to wait for him - because of you.

You did good, Momma D. You and Papa make beautiful babies - I can't wait for the next show.

Note to Self.

"Self, it is NOT a good idea to return your trainer's phone call while in the Jack-in-the-Box drive thru."

Because when you realize you made a stupid mistake - you have to order a salad so your trainer will hear it and think you are being such a good girl........

And then change the order when you hang up with him and actually get to the window while apologizing profusely to the cashier so she doesn't spit in your bacon 'n cheese potato wedges.

Because man - those wedges of grease and processed cheese -

ARE AWESOME.

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Where did the weekend go? I worked all day Saturday and Sunday so now that Monday is here, I feel like I need another weekend!

Things are very busy right now so I'm not sure how much I'll be around, we'll see.

Anyhoo..........

Ok, so since I'm fairly new at this blogging thing - I don't know how to do much other than post, follow and read.

So - I'm calling on any of you out there that may have suggestions!

I'd like to know how people get to my site by their search engines - and how many people visit and stick around. I know that there are several websites that can track those things, but I'm not sure which one I should use.

Suggestions are much appreciated - thanks!