Saturday, March 29, 2014

Because almost EVERYONE wants to know about Mr. Trainer....

I’m telling this story because sometimes I feel bad that he may be viewed in ways that it’s not meant.  And because he refuses to get into FB I kind of feel like I should defend him even if it’s my FB posts that got him into this!

So many people have asked, wondered, or commented about me and Mr. Trainer…here is the story, at least from my point of view.

6 years ago, I joined a gym and purchased a personal training package.

I walked into the gym and was introduced to Mr. Trainer.  He was kind, and a bit reserved due to the rules of the gym I think.  We laughed, talked, and got along very well.  After about 4 months of training, 30 pounds lost, and my package was up…..he announced he was taking a job at a different  gym.  A gym I didn’t feel like I would be comfortable in, so I became disinterested in the working out and proceeded to gain 60 pounds in the next 6 years. We had not spoken once since he left.

Cut to October 2013.  I was lost, broken, and utterly desperate.  So, I sent him a random FB message to see if he was still training.  He said, “Absolutely.  I’m at Diesel Fitness and I remember you…..come see me.”  I simply replied, “ I need help.”  His reply was….. “Come Monday after work.  I’ll meet you in the parking garage and take you up to where we are.”

When I met him that night it was so “Normal” I can’t even describe it.  He acted like zero time had gone by and that I hadn’t gained an oz.  He never asked what my weight or goal was…..he just said he wanted to see where we could start fitness wise.  So, we proceeded to workout for the first time in years.  It.Was.Terrible.  I was near tears at the end because of how bad it was yet he never once made me feel stupid or like I didn’t belong there.  He PROMISED me that this place would be good for me.  So, I meekly grabbed the life preserver he offered and held on for dear life.  I felt safe for the first time in so long I don’t even know when.

I can’t tell you what that is like for someone who was as hurt as I was.  And, I know that he won’t ever remember what he said to me that night with a kind hand on the shoulder, but I do.  “Come see me again on Thursday,  we’ll do better.  You did great.  I’m not giving up on you.” That was all, and those words completely changed me.

So, the story began again.

Day after day, week after week.  I have cursed him verbally and mentally, he’s expressed his frustrations, and I have sobbed until I was entirely spent and thrown up many times in the parking garage of that gym…..but he’s never given up on me.  Never once.

Do you know what that means to a girl?  It means for someone, somewhere, she is worth it. 

You see……There are two people in this entire world who know how much I actually weigh and my erratic thoughts behind it.  My Doctor and Mr. Trainer.….and only 1 whom I’m sure has concluded the self esteem issues behind it.   It doesn’t even bother me because when he asked?  It was with such care and adorableness I didn’t mind.

What is Mr. Trainer to me?

He’s someone who’s given me hope.

He’s someone whom even after the worst day can make me laugh unabashedly.

He’s someone who’s reminded me that I can and should be confident.

He’s someone that can tell me to “Be Strong” and I actually believe I can.

He’s someone who consistently pushes me until I have nothing left.

He’s someone I know believes in me when I don’t believe in myself.

Is he someone who shows me I can be loved and appreciated for who I am?  Absolutely…..but not by what you think.

I simply adore him and will never be able to express how thankful I am that he took a chance on me.  And when I say the Big Guy Upstairs knew what he was doing when he somehow put us together….I truly mean it……However……

Is he the ONE, Mofabulous?  I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked this.

He is a dear, dear friend but nothing more.  ( I know, I sigh too at the thought, dang it! )

I so hate to disappoint you but no,…..We just weren’t meant for each other that way.  My heart doesn’t go pitter patter when I see him nor does his, I’m quite sure.  (And I’m a STRONG proponent for the pitter patter!) He’s an adorable, loveable, cutie for sure…...I WILL dance my face off at his wedding one day….. And, I for one, have an absolute blast while conquering my demons with him.  But….I’ve told others and I’m telling you.  I DESPERATELY need someone to challenge and push me past my limits without all of THOSE complications.  He IS the one for that though…and I do thank the big man upstairs for bringing him in my life.  On the daily.

Do I have a gym crush on him?  ABSOLUTELY.  But, I also have a TOTAL crush on the cashier at Tom Thumb that calls me “Beautiful” everytime I’m in his checkout line.  Perspective people.

So, just know….when I speak of Mr. Trainer  - I truly come from a place of respect, kindness, and complete thankfulness.  So many of us choose a profession that just happens…..but I do believe he’s one of those that chose one he was meant for……and I LOVE the fact that I’m not the first, nor will I be the last, of lives that he will touch in ways that he may never know. 

Now, excuse me while I think of 1,000 reasons why I should roll the eyes at him for the next session.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Little Victories....Huge Payoff

Because OF COURSE I know you've all been waiting with baited breath.....

About two months ago I bought a dress for a wedding.

I purchased it a full size smaller than what I was in then.  A size that I haven't even SEEN since High School.  Crazy?  Probably, but hey - new year, new adventures, right?

And when I informed Mr. Trainer about said goal he mumbled something about how crazy girls were but then proceeded to help me reach it.

I tried on the dress when I first got it and it resembled something akin to a busted can of biscuits so I hung it at the back of the closet and just continued to do my thing.  On good days I didn't even think about it.  On the bad days I could feel it mocking me!  Us women are a quandary, I know.

So today, after a "Last Chance Workout" at the gym this morning it was GO TIME.  I stalled for as long as possible thinking that I needed to give my attitude as much as a boost as possible.  Once the hair was done, makeup applied and I really couldn't stall any more I put the dress on....added the heels....and proceeded to the guest room that has the full length mirror.

Then I turned to see what was what...........happy tears were had along with a little jig - I had finally reached this tiny milestone of many on my journey.

More importantly though, before I looked in the mirror I took a second to focus on how I "feel" in the dress first.  I didn't have to huff and puff and stretch fabric awkwardly to put it on, I could BREATHE (and that's a big one for chicks people), it was hugging all the right curves, and I actually felt comfortable.

This game is a lot of sweat in the gym.....but it's a heck of a lot more work mentally.  FOR. SURE.

Because of that, and for one of the first times in a long time, I was able to go and enjoy the event without avoiding pictures or people.  I could laugh and dance and toss my nephew around without worrying what I was looking like.

And isn't being comfortable in our own skin all we really want?  Am I 100% there yet?  Of course not....but I'm making steps toward it every day.

And come on, it's a killer dress yo!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Conversations...or not....with Mr. Trainer

Thank you for bearing with me on this roller coaster ride, dear readers.  I started sharing small snippets of the funny and not-so-funny because it helped me deal.  I still share so much more today because there’s moments that I just HAVE to.  It nags at me until I just have to get it out there so I can breathe again.  I don’t understand it, but someday I’m hoping it will all make sense.  Whether people relate to it or not….I just have to.

Some days are so extremely funny and filled with so much joy that I just can’t stand it……and it makes this whole weight loss and emotional journey feel like a breeze.

There are others though, where moments of self doubt and past self-esteem issues, and woulda-coulda-shoulda life situations creep up on you and just grab you by the throat.  Now, I will say that in my “past life” this would have just sent me into a spiral of depression that would take weeks to get out though – it just plain pissed me off.

Today was a struggle.  I let my mind get the best of me and I doubted myself and my intentions at every turn.  Tonight was a scheduled session with Mr. Trainer and I desperately wanted to cancel and just go home and wallow.  But, I HATE disappointing people.  I wouldn’t have been punished….he wouldn’t have made me pay for an unused session….he would have just rescheduled and have been done with it….but would have made it a point to tell me he was disappointed.  So, I showed up….gritted teeth and all.

(Side note:  When you workout with someone every week as much as I do with Mr. Trainer….you learn to read each other’s moods and faces.  It’s a very vulnerable state to be in especially when you start from where I was.  So, it’s important (at least I in my opinion) to have someone that will take care with it and know what you need.  Don’t be weird y’all.)

While I was on the treadmill….climbing Mt. Everest….and doing my warm-up, Mr. Trainer walked up with his usual happy, laid back self, took one look at me and stopped in his tracks.

Mr. Trainer:  “Uh-oh.  This isn’t the usual face full of sass.  This is just mad.”

Me:  “Whatever.”

Mr. Trainer: “Ok.  Let’s go.”

So, he takes me to what he calls the “Tire and Battery Shop” which is kind of a cross-fittish type room that there are usually no people in.  He pulls up an exercise ball, sits on it and says:

Mr. Trainer: “So, we have two options.  1) We can talk about whatever it is that has you like this, because I’m your friend too.  Just please don’t cry because I can’t take it.  Or 2) We can channel all of whatever it is into doing something for you – and leave it all here on the gym floor.”

Me:  “I really, really don’t want to talk about it.”

Mr. Trainer: “Then let’s get started.”

We all have our own therapy to get us through a rough day.  Sometimes it’s claiming girls night.  Sometimes it’s a glass of red on your back porch while reading a good book.  Sometimes it’s just a plain ‘ole sob fest where you get it all out.

And then other times, it’s a hell of a sweat session in a gym.

Now, I know how a good workout can turn a mood around, but this one won the lottery.  I’m not a crier.  I do cry, though it’s always something random that sets me off.  But the bad cry?  That usually comes when I’m so supremely mad you just have no idea.  And it was taking everything in me to not let it out.

I was so mad at myself for being upset by these old emotions I just couldn’t stand it.  I’d forgotten to Forgive Myself and got caught up again in the bad thoughts that I couldn’t see straight.

For the first time ever I think, the training session tonight was filled with a lot of silence… least on my part (and that’s saying something).  I took every fear, hurt, ugly thought and threw it back into the endless reps, planks, deadlifts, etc. While Mr. Trainer counted, reminded me that I was stronger than this while he added more weights he says than he ever has with me, and forced me to leave it all at the gym.

By the end I was spent.  And wonderfully broken.  Because I had just battled another one of my demons and used it to for the better part of me…..and not for the one I’m leaving behind.  I may have still had that good sob fest in my car in the parking garage, but I left feeling like I’ve just shed another burden.  I can continue to do this. And WILL so help me.

And I consider that a personal win.  Some days aren’t all rainbows and sunshine.  But, they do show us how far we’ve come.

Saturday, March 8, 2014

The Very Thin Line Between Love and Hate

Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world.  –Lucille Ball

I’ve been thinking a lot about body image lately and how we judge ourselves.  It's still something I struggle with from time to time.  Some people have no problem believing in what their body can do or how it looks.  Some people talk the talk and then practice such self hate behind closed doors.  And there are other people that recognize their current limitations and make steps towards becoming a better version of themselves.

This blog post has been mulling around in my mind for a while, but this morning it really hit me.

So there’s this machine, or not really because it doesn’t DO anything, at the gym that you do leg raises with.  You’re pretty much working with your body weight and using your core muscles.  For those of you not versed in gym equipment, it looks like this:

About two months ago, Mr. Trainer, put me on it and told me to do 10 reps.  Complete.Disaster.  It was humiliating……I think I got to 3 and then just did a slow motion slide right off.  I just didn’t have the strength.  And to make it worse there’s a wall that you can see your reflection in so you get to watch the fabulousness happen.  We didn’t even discuss it – that’s how bad it was.  So, he took me off and we did them on the floor and have been doing them there ever since.  The workout that followed on that day was certainly not my best because I was focusing on what I couldn’t do.

So today he tells me to get on that dang “machine” again.  He turned around before he could see the epic eye roll.  But guess what?  I got on it and it was a FREAKING.MIRACLE. y’all.  I was able to do 3 full sets of 12 without stopping during the sets.  Now, I know objectively that you get stronger and stronger each time you work out – but I didn’t ever think I’d be one of those people.  It was another reminder of something that I hated on myself for instead of trusting that my body could handle it when it was meant to.

I’m well aware that these issues are not gender specific, but, I’m a chick so I hear and see it with us girls a whole lot more than guys.  And I don’t think we give ourselves nearly enough credit.

I mean the constant self hate talk that comes out of our mouths is terrible.

We, as women LOVE the instagram and selfie movement because you get to cut off the “bad” parts and add all sorts of fancy filters that make us look the best that we can edit.  Trust me, this is not a high-horse speech……I am SO guilty of this too, 100%. 

These pictures were taken on the same night……one’s all pretty with the fancy cropping and filters….the other with the chinny chin chins…..but I’ve lost several in the past year so I’ll take it!  See?  I do it too.

Throughout this journey, I have several friends that have told me to make sure and post before and after pictures so that I can see my progress.  This is difficult for me because of a couple of things:

1) I have VERY few before pictures…..much less full body shots because I avoided them like the plague.
2) This journey of mine is about so much more than physical changes.  If I could take before and after photos of my mental changes I SWEAR it would floor people.
And, I think that’s what gets me.  It’s the unhappiness BEHIND it all that needs to be fixed first.  Instead of celebrating what we CAN do, we give ourselves such crap about what we can’t. 

I remember Baby Sister and I had a conversation a few weeks ago about life and love….you know, as sisters do.  I semi-jokingly asked her why I hadn’t found the REAL Prince Charming yet.  She simply said without hesitation, “I don’t think you’ve ever loved yourself enough until now.”  She probably doesn’t know that her answer struck me as pure truth and still sticks with me today.  Those sister bombs will get you when you least expect it. 

I now make a conscious decision to celebrate little victories in life and remind myself of the things I CAN do.  My own personal “high-fives.” 

-I have a mind that can get the best of me sometimes…..but I choose to celebrate that it has allowed me to learn quickly and be a badass in my career.

-I have a heart that has betrayed me before….but I choose to celebrate that it loves deep and wide and am lucky to have people in my life that are careful with it.

-I have arms that have the jiggle and HATE sleeveless shirts….but I choose to celebrate that they can provide comfort to friends and family when they hug and can lift weights I could never have imagined.

-I have legs that are shorter than average and don’t get me started on thighs…..but I choose to celebrate that they haven’t failed me yet when I just don’t think I can go any further on that dang treadmill and haven’t once needed Mr. Trainer to grab the leg press because I couldn’t take the weight.

Could all of those things look “better?”  Of course they could…..and so help me they will.  But for now, I choose not to hate on any of those things that provide so many joys in my life as well.

So, I would encourage and plead for you….especially the ladies….to take a look in the mirror.  A REAL look and while you inevitably go to the things you HATE…..take those parts and think about the GOOD things they’ve given you.  EVEN the muffin top girls, even the muffin top……..I mean most of you grew and birthed a FREAKING HUMAN BEING inside that thing……I can't even say that!

Your body can and has done so many amazing things, you just have to trust it. 

I am so much stronger than I was yesterday even if I’m not quite to where I want to be….but I can’t wait to find out where I’ll be tomorrow.  Make the choice to celebrate YOU.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Conversations with Mr. Trainer: Champagne and Confidence

Conversations with Mr. Trainer:  (And reason #542 you may want to rethink having your Trainer attend a party you’re hosting.)

So…..Mr. Trainer was feeling extra adventurous tonight and decided to have me do something new.  3 reps in I stopped…..and said, I. Can’t.  

You see, I have huge confidence issues in the gym and battle it most every day.  It's getting a whole lot easier thank goodness, but it still creeps up on me.  My very first day with Mr. Trainer ended with him telling me, “It’s not the weight or the working out that’s your problem – you just don’t believe in yourself….someone stole it and it’s time to take it back.”  I drove home that night in tears knowing he was absolutely right and things had to change.

So, tonight after saying those dreaded words, I. Can't.:

Mr. Trainer:  “Sweetheart, last night I watched you be the most confident I’ve ever seen you.  You wore sequin pants and heels while downing like an 88 oz glass of champagne.  If you can do that, you’ve got the guts to do anything.”

Me:  “Oh that?  I’ve been practicing that for years….and thou shall not hold anything I do or say against me while wearing sequin pants and drinking champagne on my Birthday.”

Mr. Trainer: “Shut it.  Now, I’ll give you one more moment of sass and throw in an eye roll…..then suck it up……don’t think, and just do it.”

Me:  “Fine!”  (insert eye roll.....sometimes I really want to punch him in the face, but he usually ends up being right)

And this girl proceeded to sweat out every last drop of champagne and sailed through it like she had on a pair of killer heels and sassy pants.  


I have SO got this you have no idea.