Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Conversations with Mr. Trainer: He apparently thinks he's paid to play Matchmaker

So, I know that because of my posts most of you think that every session is all empowering and encouraging and stuff.  There are those….but, really the ones that get me through are the funny and normal conversations that happen.

Tonight, I happened to take the elevator up to the gym with a guy that I recognized comes to the gym regularly and the Front Desk guy, Jason.  Jason and I talk from time to time and he’s a very likeable, easy going guy so we proceeded to talk in the elevator.

Then the other guy said a few things to me that I honestly don’t really remembered.  I smiled, said a few benign things back and then proceeded to check things on my phone and carry on a short convo with Jason.
 So, we get off the elevator.  Regular gym guy proceeds ahead and I hear this from Jason:

Jason:  “So are you always a snob or is this just that kind of a day?”

Me:  “Huh?”

Jason:  “He was clearly trying to flirt with you and you acted like you were just too busy to notice.”

Me:  “ What?? He was NOT.  Really.  He was just making conversation in an elevator.”

Jason:  “ Ok, so you’re clueless then.  Good thing I like you.”

So then, I began my thrice weekly training session with Mr. Trainer and about halfway through while I’m doing some weird contortion on a mat….enter Jason.

Jason to Mr. Trainer:  “Your girl here was being hit on in the elevator earlier with the red shirt basketball guy and stuck up her nose at him.”

Mr. Trainer (while looking over at the basketball court):  “Him?  Really?  Mofabulous….were you being snooty?”

Me:  “ I WAS NOT.  And He was NOT flirting.”

Jason:  “Yep.  He was.  He even tried to make a joke.  Not a good one, but an ‘A’ for effort.”

Mr. Trainer:  “ Well, I’ll bring her back to reality.”  Jason then goes on his way.

Mr. Trainer:  “ You know, you’re not a snob.  Why were you being one?”

Me:  “ FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY.  He was NOT flirting.  He was just being nice.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Nope, if another guy picks up on it he definitely was.  You really didn’t notice?”

Me: “No, I just don’t ever assume that.  I’m used to being the ‘We Gotta Go Girl’  It’s what I know.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Huh?”

Me: “The ‘We Gotta Go Girl’.  You know, the sidekick of the really cute friend – and I have A LOT of them -  that gets hit on all the time.  The guy knows if he doesn’t keep the sidekick happy by conversation or drinks, he’s gonna lose his prospect because when the ‘We Gotta Go Girl’ says it’s time to go…..then they go.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Ok, I’ll give you that.  It IS a thing.  But, you’re telling me you don’t even know when someone is actually zeroed in on you?”

Me: “Nope.  It’s a rare thing, so I’m pretty much clueless on it.  ESPECIALLY 60 pounds ago.  I need a sign or something that spells it out.”

Mr. Trainer: “Ok.  I’ve decided I’m going to set you up with basketball guy, or someone else here.”

Me: “Oh no you will NOT!  I hate dating.  It’s too much like a job interview.  And everyone here is way too pretty.”

Mr. Trainer: “Pretty?”

Me: “Yes, Pretty.  I’m surrounded by beautiful men that most of them I have come to adore, but you’re all a little pretty to me.  And you KNOW how much of a klutz and awkward I am when I’m not nervous.  
Imagine how I am when I’m supposed to put on some kind of a date show and try to be normal.  I’ve been there.  So.Not.Cool.”

Mr. Trainer: “But it would be good for you!  You’re fun…..and funny…..and live an interesting life.  And you can be seriously cute even when you’re all frustrating and being ridiculous.”

Me: (While looking at him like he has 3 heads) “ First, I’ll say, I really wish I had the hots for you and didn’t love your girlfriend so much.  GOD, some people have all the luck.  Second….no.  I’m not looking for that drama.  I’ve got too much crazy just with me right now, I don’t need to add that.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Whatever.  I’ve now made it my personal mission to send you on a date and make you dread every second.  You need it.  Life is not the tidy scene you like to make it seem.”

Me:  “Just. STOP.”

Lord help me.  Seriously.  Because when that man gets an idea in his head – he doesn’t even think about the wrath that will come from it.  Have they created a wine delivery service yet?  Because, I’d do a million Burpees just to enjoy it.

And I will say, this is just one of the MANY things that come with this journey.  When you begin to feel strong and start to get a smidgen of your confidence back.  Things happen and people (guys) start to notice.  And it's weird.  And I'm trying to figure it out little by little.  Again.....Lord help me.  Seriously.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

They say....if it doesn't scare you, then your dreams aren't big enough. Well......ok then.

I remember years ago having fantasies about being a writer and running away to a secluded cabin somewhere because obviously writers are tortured souls that need complete solitude to hone their craft, right?

In my head it was a cottage in Ireland.

Set amongst the lush green hills it was tiny, but was all mine for those few months.  There was a flower garden to the side that I would pick from to keep in old glass bottles in each room.  A battered, but sturdy porch on which I would sit for hours writing the next bestseller whilst the birds chirped and the breeze blew.  And, of course, I would wave at the little old lady that would walk past said cottage at the same time every day to make her trek to the market.

As you do.

Then life happened and years went by and sometimes, if you don’t keep your focus on the things your heart whispers to you then time inevitably silences them.

And then life happens again and things start to go terribly wrong.  Somewhere, somehow, you made a wrong turn and didn’t realize it until it was almost too late, but because you were thrown a life preserver in the form of people or just the realization that you simply could not go on that way anymore you muster up a tiny bit of strength to find the right path again.

You find that the new path can still be heartbreaking because you’re more aware now than you’ve ever been about how things affect you and perhaps why you make the decisions you do. 

But, it’s also beautiful.  It’s a place that you discover all these new things in your world.  Things your mind or heart somehow refused for you to see before. 

You also find that the new path forces you to find an outlet for this new journey of yours.  For some it’s regular conversations with friends to vent or a new hobby or a $200 an hour therapist.   To each his own.

For me, it’s writing.  It’s my therapy.  I have ideas that rush in my head all the time.  Life is also just plain funny and sometimes you just need to share.  When I get a “post” in my head it drives me nuts until I get it out.  And sometimes I re-read it obsessively even after I’ve hit the publish button.  Others I don’t dare read again because it physically hurts to much.

Either way, every time I put something out there I feel like another tiny part of me has healed.  Another raw edge has smoothed out.

I want to write.

Those four words are faint whispers that have echoed in the far away corners of my heart for a very long time.  Longer than pretty much anyone knows.  And quite honestly it puts a lump in my throat so huge I have a very hard time understanding it.

I know what you’re thinking……”Um, pretty sure you’re writing now.”  Yeah, I get that.

You see, I went “away” to college for my Freshman year not having a clue of what I wanted to do.  Of who I was supposed to be.  Because of that, I was promptly sent home a year later because I just didn’t care.  (Had loads of fun though, but those are stories for another time.)  Why in the world am I going to school if I don’t know what I’m doing here? 

And then by fate, I found my current profession and spent my twenties exposed to things that people even decades into their career don’t get to experience. 

I’m grateful for my job and the experiences it brings me.  And damn good at it too.  Most days I even love it.

But then comes that whisper again.  And it’s getting louder.  And it completely terrifies me.

I have absolutely no idea what to do with it.  I mean, of course, I did what any smart person in this day and age would do and googled, “How to be a writer.”  Duh.  But that brought on a whole lot of stuff that’s hard to process.  I don’t do well with being told “what” to do.  If it feels like work I’m likely not to touch it.

So, what DOES this all mean? 

It means I’m still searching.  It may mean that all I’m meant to do is keep pouring my random thoughts into this blog to share with its 5.3 readers.  And I’m ok with that most of the time.  But the whispers keep coming.

All I know is I can’t ignore the whispers anymore even if they send my stomach into knots and my heart into palpitations and my soul into a gut-wrenching fear. 

Dramatic?  Maybe….but that’s how I imagine it would be written.

I have some ideas so I’m going to chew on them.  It’s just another lesson in life where I’m learning to enjoy the journey and not batter it with too many questions.  I’ll just have to see where it goes. 

Thanks for hanging in with me.

Oh…..and if you happen to have a tiny cottage in the middle-of-nowhere-Ireland to rent.  Keep it open for me, will ya?  I might just need a place to figure this out.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Conversations with Mr. Trainer: It's not always Sunshine and Rainbows

So, the last month or so have been tough.  I’ve said before it’s all a mind game and that has been proving itself over and over to me lately.  I get incredibly frustrated with myself because I’ve come SO FAR!  Why in the world am I doubting that I can’t go all the way?

I read somewhere that success is not about flying forward.  It’s about moving forward, taking a few steps back, then making the choice to try, try, again.  I should probably tattoo that somewhere as a reminder, le sigh.

You see, I’ve felt defeated for some reason or another.  I have back issues and it’s been killing me lately.  I can’t make one single move without feeling it.  We’ve done massages, stretching, Chiropractors, and have made the foam roll my best friend even if when I do it the tears won’t stop due to the pain.  It’s frustrating to hurt so much because you start to think your body is failing you.  It is getting better though…..just not overnight.  It’s all a process. 

So, tonight….as Mr. Trainer does in his usual matter of fact no drama way, reminded me again.
He was having me do this thing on the treadmill.  It’s weird.  You’re kind of running, hopping?, skipping? Sideways.  I pretty much hate it.  I know it’s to get your heart rate up and do something or another….I don’t usually ask because I’m usually just hoping I don’t die while doing the things he makes me do. The tricky part is having enough coordination to switch sides without flying off said treadmill and becoming a famous youtube video.  So while I’m doing this he starts talking:

Mr. Trainer:  “Ok, We’re going to talk about this.”

Me: “Ok…..about what?”

Mr. Trainer:  “You’ve been all EMO and weird the last few sessions.  I’ve had to remind you to smile…..and it’s like pulling teeth to get you to talk.  And you CAN TALK, help us all.”

Me:  “Oh, I’m fine.  Just a lot on my mind.” 

Mr. Trainer:  “Fine.  Since you’re so full of information, I’ll ask……how’s the weight?”

Me:  “You probably shouldn’t ask me that.”

Mr. Trainer: “Nope – you know I don’t push if I REALLY see you can’t or won’t talk about it.  You know the rules.  We’re completely honest here.”

Me:  “  Are you sure you’re ready for the honest answer?”

Mr. Trainer:  “You’d have to do an awful lot for that.  Talk to me.”

Me: (Eye roll, of course.)  “  3 pounds.  GAINED.  It’s just that I’ve been trying to really enjoy life and get out of my house and do things.  I spent most of last year holed up in the house refusing to see or do anything.  So I’ve been having fun.  But….I’m so tired of hurting.  And WHAT IF I FAIL?  What if I go back to where I was before?  I’ve made this whole journey a THING.  People are watching.  I HATE disappointing people. “

Mr. Trainer: “Ok, out of the last month of feeling like this how many workouts have you missed?”

Me: “Two.”

Mr. Trainer:  “So you feel like S#@^, and you’re still here?  Only missing two in the last 30 days?  You’re showing up.  Whether it’s for me or not.  You’re here and doing everything I ask.  How many times do I have to tell you.  The WORK isn’t your problem.  It’s the confidence.  Once you finally get mostly over that it’s all gravy.  What in the world do I need to do to show you that you have got it in you to do this?  Forget about everyone else.  At the end of the day it’s you that you have to please.”

Me:  (Sigh)  “Just exactly that.  You get it.  I know.  Ok.  I guess I needed to just….I dunno.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Ok.  By the way……do you remember the first time I had you do this exercise?”

Me:  “Yeah – I’d rather not.”

Mr. Trainer:  “You held on to the treadmill….and my right arm the whole time like you’re life depended on it.  Had me turn it off to switch sides…..and then did the same for the other. This time?  You did it one-handed, double the speed, and carried on a whole conversation.”

Me:  “Huh.”

Mr.  Trainer:  “We’ve got this.  You will make it further than you ever imagined.  And I can’t wait to celebrate it with you.”

I don’t have many other words to say…..but I thank everyone on God’s green earth for cheering me on along the way.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I need it and listen to them when I don’t believe in myself.

So, I left tonight feeling encouraged.  Or empowered.  Or however Oprah would have you think it.  I have so got this you have no idea.  It will never be perfect.  But I have to believe it’s worth it.   

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Happy Siblings Day! Who gets to make up these "National Days" anyway?

You know that one person in your life?
You know…..the person you have that if you somehow unexpectedly meet your Maker it’s an unspoken understanding that you can count on them to come to your house and get rid of anything that might be embarrassing or make your parents cry?  YEAH.  That one.  (Come on….you know there’s stuff.)

For me, that person is Baby Sister.  

Susan Sarandon had a quote in the movie ‘Shall We Dance’ that said:   

“We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'.”

I think the same goes for siblings.  They have been one of the few that are a witness to your entire life.  

Those that know both Baby Sister and I personally can testify to the fact that you won’t find two people more opposite than us that came from the same parents both physically and in personality. 

She was born bald and turned into a blonde.  I came out with a head full of coal black hair. 

She measures over a half a foot taller than me.  I can’t even reach the top of my middle kitchen cabinet.

She is soft hearted, slow to anger, and always tries to see the good in people.  I’m more…..well, let’s just say I DO have a big heart….it’s just that sometimes you have to take a pick ax to the rock that’s formed around it. 

I remember our parents saying once about those pesky teenage years they would worry about Baby Sister getting into trouble by falling into the wrong crowd…..and they would worry about me leading the wrong crowd.  Yeah…….I get that.  Alas, we made it through mostly unscathed.

Whenever I have a big revelation in life or have quiet fears that are hard to express or just have something so flipping funny happen that I just have to share, you can pretty much guarantee that I’ve mentioned it to her.  Part of that’s because I know I can count on her to be honest in her opinions, but the other part is I know she’s one of my biggest cheerleaders and will be behind me no matter what.

We BOTH love to laugh… fact, we are known for being a little akin to the Salem Witches in that we rarely make it through a prayer before family dinner without finding something to laugh at.  And church??  Don’t get me started.  Something ALWAYS happens to set us off and we have to exert uber amounts of control to not embarrass our Grandmother. 

When I look back on my biggest moments thus far in life we were in most of them together.  The happy and the sad.  Weddings, funerals, divorce, hospital waiting rooms……and of course, her giving birth to the GoldenChild

Now, don’t misunderstand me.  Things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows.  Sisterhoods can be brutal too.  We know exactly what buttons to push to get a desired outcome. 

If you don’t understand how you can love someone so much it physically hurts but want to slap them silly at the same time…………..then you must not have grown up with a sibling of your own because that’s exactly how it is.

No matter the differences though, I am so thankful I get to call her mine.   It’s a lovely thing to have someone in your life who knows exactly what you’re thinking without having to say it.  Who with one look, you know they understand.  Someone who knows all of your faults but loves you anyways.

I will never forget her exact words to me when she called to say that our Mom was taken to the ER via ambulance: “I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m all alone.  I need you to be here.”

Those words are what I think defines having a sibling. 

You go through the sad, happy, silly, funny, terrible times that life will inevitably bring you.  But because you have them, you never have to go through it alone.

You have a witness.  A friend.  Your very own personal Cheerleader. 

And of course………..someone to hide the embarrassing stuff.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Conversations with Mr. Trainer: The Day I was called an Athlete and lightening did not, in fact, strike him down

So…..Mr. Trainer has now gotten it into his head that he needs to switch things up to start challenging me more so he took me into the “tire and battery” shop aka the crossfit like room……this is how it went down tonight:

Me: “What in the world is all of this?”

Y’all there were ladders laid out along with the mats, ropes, step-ups and all sorts of shenanigans.

Mr. Trainer:  “Well….you, my dear, are becoming an athlete so it’s time to step up our game.”

Me: “BA.HA.  You went to Happy Hour early didn’t you?”

Mr. Trainer:  “Look at me… this my sarcastic face?  You know very well that I’m serious.  You’re doing things now that a lot of people in this gym can’t.”

Me: “Whatever….we’ll see about that.”

So then he takes me through some ridiculous drills that in my head I know would make a FABULOUS SNL skit…..because I can actually see myself in the mirror and it ain’t cute.  Then he gets down on the mat to show me what he wants me to do next.

Y’all.  It was a side plank with a notsolight weight in the free hand that you actually have to lift while balancing in said side plank position…..make sense?  Yeah – me neither….but apparently it’s supposed to help your coordination and strengthen that fancy core everyone loves to talk about.  I just think it’s something that trainers must do to people because they’re in desperate need of entertainment.  Whatevs.

Me:  “HA!  You’re a funny guy.  No way in HayHay that’s gonna happen.”

Mr. Trainer:  “Would you just quit the sassy yappin’ and at least try it?  You can do a side plank like a champ….now we have to kick it up a level.”

Me:  “Ok….but I feel like I should give you Baby Sister’s phone number.  She’s my ‘In Case of Emergency’ because there are sure to be only bad things happening from here on out.”

Mr. Trainer:  “You’re allllllllll jokes tonight.  Now STOP STALLING.  It’s just you and me in here.  If it’s terrible no one else has to know.  You know I’ve got you.”

Me:  “Ok fine!  But you know no matter how it goes I WILL TELL because that’s how I deal.”

Mr. Trainer:  “GOD!  You’re such a girl.  STOP TALKING and JUST DO IT!”

Me: (Insert my most favorite eye roll here)

And then I got down on the mat…..and kind of rocked it.  SHOCKED is not an appropriate enough word here.

Mr. Trainer:  “Yeeeeaaaaahhhhh!  Ain’t got nothin’ to say now, huh princess?”

Me: “SHUT.IT.  What’s next?”

So……I’m not quite at athlete status yet.  But I WILL be so help me.  Just don’t count on me keeping my mouth shut.  Cuz I got lots to say and complain about y’all.  It’s just how I do.