Thank you for bearing with me on this roller coaster ride, dear readers. I started sharing small snippets of the funny and not-so-funny because it helped me deal. I still share so much more today because there’s moments that I just HAVE to. It nags at me until I just have to get it out there so I can breathe again. I don’t understand it, but someday I’m hoping it will all make sense. Whether people relate to it or not….I just have to.
Some days are so extremely funny and filled with so much joy that I just can’t stand it……and it makes this whole weight loss and emotional journey feel like a breeze.
There are others though, where moments of self doubt and past self-esteem issues, and woulda-coulda-shoulda life situations creep up on you and just grab you by the throat. Now, I will say that in my “past life” this would have just sent me into a spiral of depression that would take weeks to get out of.....today though – it just plain pissed me off.
Today was a struggle. I let my mind get the best of me and I doubted myself and my intentions at every turn. Tonight was a scheduled session with Mr. Trainer and I desperately wanted to cancel and just go home and wallow. But, I HATE disappointing people. I wouldn’t have been punished….he wouldn’t have made me pay for an unused session….he would have just rescheduled and have been done with it….but would have made it a point to tell me he was disappointed. So, I showed up….gritted teeth and all.
(Side note: When you workout with someone every week as much as I do with Mr. Trainer….you learn to read each other’s moods and faces. It’s a very vulnerable state to be in especially when you start from where I was. So, it’s important (at least I in my opinion) to have someone that will take care with it and know what you need. Don’t be weird y’all.)
While I was on the treadmill….climbing Mt. Everest….and doing my warm-up, Mr. Trainer walked up with his usual happy, laid back self, took one look at me and stopped in his tracks.
Mr. Trainer: “Uh-oh. This isn’t the usual face full of sass. This is just mad.”
Mr. Trainer: “Ok. Let’s go.”
So, he takes me to what he calls the “Tire and Battery Shop” which is kind of a cross-fittish type room that there are usually no people in. He pulls up an exercise ball, sits on it and says:
Mr. Trainer: “So, we have two options. 1) We can talk about whatever it is that has you like this, because I’m your friend too. Just please don’t cry because I can’t take it. Or 2) We can channel all of whatever it is into doing something for you – and leave it all here on the gym floor.”
Me: “I really, really don’t want to talk about it.”
Mr. Trainer: “Then let’s get started.”
We all have our own therapy to get us through a rough day. Sometimes it’s claiming girls night. Sometimes it’s a glass of red on your back porch while reading a good book. Sometimes it’s just a plain ‘ole sob fest where you get it all out.
And then other times, it’s a hell of a sweat session in a gym.
Now, I know how a good workout can turn a mood around, but this one won the lottery. I’m not a crier. I do cry, though it’s always something random that sets me off. But the bad cry? That usually comes when I’m so supremely mad you just have no idea. And it was taking everything in me to not let it out.
I was so mad at myself for being upset by these old emotions I just couldn’t stand it. I’d forgotten to Forgive Myself and got caught up again in the bad thoughts that I couldn’t see straight.
For the first time ever I think, the training session tonight was filled with a lot of silence…..at least on my part (and that’s saying something). I took every fear, hurt, ugly thought and threw it back into the endless reps, planks, deadlifts, etc. While Mr. Trainer counted, reminded me that I was stronger than this while he added more weights he says than he ever has with me, and forced me to leave it all at the gym.
By the end I was spent. And wonderfully broken. Because I had just battled another one of my demons and used it to for the better part of me…..and not for the one I’m leaving behind. I may have still had that good sob fest in my car in the parking garage, but I left feeling like I’ve just shed another burden. I can continue to do this. And WILL so help me.
And I consider that a personal win. Some days aren’t all rainbows and sunshine. But, they do show us how far we’ve come.