Ok, so this is one of those vague posts. But, I made a promise to myself that I would document my journey with the whole truth. It helps me. It’s my inexpensive version of therapy. And, I realize I probably sound like a broken record sometimes. It’s my story though, so people just need to deal.
Even the ugly times. Always honest. This one’s for me, because I’m sure at some point in the future I will need to be reminded of it.
Some names/pronouns (big word! Go me.) have been changed….because, well - again, this is my blog and others shouldn’t be punished for me having a big mouth.
This particular session was leg day. I loathe leg day, mostly because Mr. Trainer makes me do step ups that are at least half my height (have I mentioned how vertically challenged I am?) with weights in obnoxious amounts at some point. And somehow it’s always in front of a mirror so not only do I have to struggle to not pass out, I get to watch myself lumbering up and down while dripping inordinate amounts of sweat. It’s not the pain that gets me as much as the mortification of what I am making other people witness.
When you have a trainer, that you also count as a friend, they tend to know a lot about you and what’s going on in your life.
I began this session not saying much which I always somehow forget is a clear sign to Mr. Trainer that I’m thinking about something entirely too much because normally I talk and overshare too much…..so the conversation began:
Mr. Trainer: “So, have you talked to you-know-who?”
Mr. Trainer: “Wait, were you nice last time you talked?”
Me: “Yes, I was nice. I CAN be nice.”
Mr. Trainer: “Do you miss them?”
Me: “What are you, Oprah? Ok. Yes, but I can’t do anything about it. It is what it is.”
Mr. Trainer: “Geez. Sensitive much?”
So, things fell back into silence. I huffed and puffed and even did Burpees without the usual eye rolls and complaining. Clearly, things were serious.
Mr. Trainer: “Ok, just stop for a minute.”
Me: “What, what did I do?”
Mr. Trainer: “You haven’t once told me to stick it somewhere tonight…..nor have I heard you tell me to shut it. I’m going to need you to stop being nice – it’s freaking me out.”
Now, I don’t break down often. And have managed to make it approximately 7 years in knowing Mr. Trainer without doing it in front of him. I consider this an amazing feat, just so you know. But tonight, I was momentarily possessed by something other than myself and could feel the anger just below the surface. Which for me, unfortunately, means tears are not far behind.
Me: (In an artfully dramatic way, I’m sure.) “What, exactly do you want from me? You complain about me complaining. You always refer to my eye rolls as epic. And tonight, I haven’t done either. Shouldn’t that be considered a GOOD THING??? I’m here, aren’t I??? I showed up, and I’m doing every stupid thing you’ve asked me to do. What the HELL do you want? It sucks. All of it. I HATE the step ups, I HATE the burpees, I HATE those damn push up plank things. I HATE it. And nothing’s happening. The scale is not moving, but yet I’m here….day after day, feeling…and pretty much sure I’m looking like a complete idiot. So if you could just LAY OFF for one night that’d be great.”
Mr. Trainer just stood there and listened. Didn’t move a muscle. And the few people that were in the tiny room with us deserted the field like WWIII was beginning. Even Blaine who always likes to be around for any kind of drama. Yep. Things were serious.
And then it started. The tears welling up and then the racking shoulder sobs that you just can’t seem to stop because it’s already too late. And you feel like even more of an idiot because no matter how much your head is saying, “NO! This can’t be happening!” your heart and body just don’t seem to listen.
I had almost convinced myself to just run out the front door of the gym and pretend this never happened when Mr. Trainer proved yet again that his momma raised him right…..when he slowly walked over, put his arms around me, and softly said, “Stop it. You are not the reason for someone else’s unhappiness. You need to focus on you. That’s it. That’s your only responsibility. Showing up here is showing up for yourself. When you can finally get that concept through your thick skull, everything else….including the scale….will go in your favor. STOP comparing yourself to everyone else. There is only one MoFabulous, and she’s someone I’m happy to actually know and like a hell of a lot.”
Me: "Even when I'm completely acting nuts?"
Mr. Trainer: "Especially then."
I just nodded and then asked what’s next because clearly speaking was not in my favor. So Mr. Trainer proceeded on like everything was like normal…..bless his sweet heart.
Intellectually, I understand the concept he was trying to convey. But, the heart often has other ideas of how it should react. And I’m slowly learning that this is a much bigger journey with a whole lot more to discover than just numbers on a scale. It took 33 years to get me to here…..it will take more than just a few months to undo the ugly issues.
I’ll get there eventually. I do believe in that, I really do…..it’s just sometimes I could really do without the tough lessons.
Now………..on to the next, it has to end sometime, right??