So, the last month or so have been tough. I’ve said before it’s all a mind game and that has been proving itself over and over to me lately. I get incredibly frustrated with myself because I’ve come SO FAR! Why in the world am I doubting that I can’t go all the way?
I read somewhere that success is not about flying forward. It’s about moving forward, taking a few steps back, then making the choice to try, try, again. I should probably tattoo that somewhere as a reminder, le sigh.
You see, I’ve felt defeated for some reason or another. I have back issues and it’s been killing me lately. I can’t make one single move without feeling it. We’ve done massages, stretching, Chiropractors, and have made the foam roll my best friend even if when I do it the tears won’t stop due to the pain. It’s frustrating to hurt so much because you start to think your body is failing you. It is getting better though…..just not overnight. It’s all a process.
So, tonight….as Mr. Trainer does in his usual matter of fact no drama way, reminded me again.
He was having me do this thing on the treadmill. It’s weird. You’re kind of running, hopping?, skipping? Sideways. I pretty much hate it. I know it’s to get your heart rate up and do something or another….I don’t usually ask because I’m usually just hoping I don’t die while doing the things he makes me do. The tricky part is having enough coordination to switch sides without flying off said treadmill and becoming a famous youtube video. So while I’m doing this he starts talking:
Mr. Trainer: “Ok, We’re going to talk about this.”
Me: “Ok…..about what?”
Mr. Trainer: “You’ve been all EMO and weird the last few sessions. I’ve had to remind you to smile…..and it’s like pulling teeth to get you to talk. And you CAN TALK, help us all.”
Me: “Oh, I’m fine. Just a lot on my mind.”
Mr. Trainer: “Fine. Since you’re so full of information, I’ll ask……how’s the weight?”
Me: “You probably shouldn’t ask me that.”
Mr. Trainer: “Nope – you know I don’t push if I REALLY see you can’t or won’t talk about it. You know the rules. We’re completely honest here.”
Me: “ Are you sure you’re ready for the honest answer?”
Mr. Trainer: “You’d have to do an awful lot for that. Talk to me.”
Me: (Eye roll, of course.) “ 3 pounds. GAINED. It’s just that I’ve been trying to really enjoy life and get out of my house and do things. I spent most of last year holed up in the house refusing to see or do anything. So I’ve been having fun. But….I’m so tired of hurting. And WHAT IF I FAIL? What if I go back to where I was before? I’ve made this whole journey a THING. People are watching. I HATE disappointing people. “
Mr. Trainer: “Ok, out of the last month of feeling like this how many workouts have you missed?”
Mr. Trainer: “So you feel like S#@^, and you’re still here? Only missing two in the last 30 days? You’re showing up. Whether it’s for me or not. You’re here and doing everything I ask. How many times do I have to tell you. The WORK isn’t your problem. It’s the confidence. Once you finally get mostly over that it’s all gravy. What in the world do I need to do to show you that you have got it in you to do this? Forget about everyone else. At the end of the day it’s you that you have to please.”
Me: (Sigh) “Just exactly that. You get it. I know. Ok. I guess I needed to just….I dunno.”
Mr. Trainer: “Ok. By the way……do you remember the first time I had you do this exercise?”
Me: “Yeah – I’d rather not.”
Mr. Trainer: “You held on to the treadmill….and my right arm the whole time like you’re life depended on it. Had me turn it off to switch sides…..and then did the same for the other. This time? You did it one-handed, double the speed, and carried on a whole conversation.”
Mr. Trainer: “We’ve got this. You will make it further than you ever imagined. And I can’t wait to celebrate it with you.”
I don’t have many other words to say…..but I thank everyone on God’s green earth for cheering me on along the way. I’m not ashamed to admit that I need it and listen to them when I don’t believe in myself.
So, I left tonight feeling encouraged. Or empowered. Or however Oprah would have you think it. I have so got this you have no idea. It will never be perfect. But I have to believe it’s worth it.