Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Lessons I'm Learning..........Forgive Yourself.

And this is where I get all thought provoking and stuff.  Hold on to your hats y’all…..cuz thinking is HARD.

So I’m on this new journey in life to figure out a lot of things.  Things that I’ve ignored for a long, long time……and perhaps have never faced head on….ever.

I guess you could say the catalyst (?  Maybe that’s the right word?  I dunno….junior high science teacher would be proud though.)  for this journey of mine has been working out regularly and losing weight in the process.  But this post isn’t really about all of that. 

For me, when it comes down to it, it’s about getting out of my own damn head. 

I know a lot of people start working out because they want to look fabulous and lose weight to whatever they consider an acceptable level.  Me however, no kidding, I started because I just quite simply wanted to FEEL better. 

I needed to get out of my head, out of my house, out of this prison of isolation I’d built around me.  And when I say I built it, I seriously did…..all on my own.  Brick by brick, insult by insult, tear by tear.  I loaded them up so high I could.not.breathe.  I’d break dates with friends….cancel on my family….beat myself up because I kept telling myself it didn’t matter if I showed up. 

I look back now and see I had hit absolute rock bottom but somehow in a tiny corner of my mind, I made a decision that I didn’t want to be there anymore.  I didn’t realize it then, but I made small choices everyday that helped dig me out….and pointed me in a positive, healthy direction. 

I asked for help.  I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I thank God every day that He somehow gave me the strength to make those decisions.

One thing though that keeps sticking out to me and has become a sort of mantra is when I find myself doing something that normally would send me in a downward spiral of making unhealthy decisions again….I take a deep breath and tell my brain “Forgive Yourself.”

I KNOW it sounds cliché and it does clearly remind me of something I’d see in a skit somewhere where people are sitting around a bonfire and someone’s holding a talking stick and everyone’s all “Be one with the earth” and crap….but it’s for.real.

We live in a world today where we spend so much time on things like pinterest or facebook or just online media that have endless articles and projects about being supermom or having the perfect beach body or being a damn Martha Stewart in the kitchen. 

It’s freaking exhausting.

I think so many of these things set us up for failure in our own heads…..sure, we all WANT to be these things…..but there’s such a small percentage of us that will ever be THAT….and how do we know those people are truly happy anyways?

You know, I used to joke that my friends and family were the reason I was “big”….that they never told me I should be smaller and look like how we all think we’re supposed to look.

Truth is….they didn’t have to……I told myself that enough all the time.  The self hate was so HUGE I couldn’t hear anything else.  I….and only I….did that to myself.  I have always had fantastic family and friends that supported me and still support me today no matter what I choose to do.  They believed in me when I would never believe in myself….so why shouldn’t I take a chance on me?

My house is messy…..but it’s because I’m out LIVING life and not because I just don’t care nowadays.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

When I have a cocktail and meal consisting of all kinds of dirty caloric goodness…..it’s because I’m choosing to spend time with a friend and reconnecting on a level that’s so good for my soul and I now know it’s not healthy for me to count every calorie.  Tomorrow, I’ll do better.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

A relationship failed because of timing and circumstances and because I didn't believe I was worth it.  It’s a lesson learned and I realize now I need to be worth it to ME.  I’ll do better next time.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I skipped a workout one day…..because I chose to spend that time playing with my nephew and remembering sometimes playing in a sandbox is just plain fun.  I’ll get back in the gym tomorrow.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

It’s a lesson I wish I could scream out to people that I see going through the same thing but just don’t know how to get out of the never ending cycle.  It’s a lesson I still have to remind myself of every day.  It’s a lesson that I know will take me to wherever I want to be in life.

Like I’ve said….I’m taking this year to do what makes me happy….to experience things I might not ever have the guts to do again………and I KNOW I will never accomplish perfection in any of them, but THIS girl is totally ok with that.


K Israel said...

I always say "Inside my head is a VERRRRY Dangerous place to be!!!" LOL

Mo Fabulous said...

Right, Kathy??? Definitely!