Do you want to be made? Or do you want to be broken?

Or should I just say….the moment when she reminded her own self yet again to forgive herself.

Sometimes all it takes is someone giving you a very simple solution to a problem that seems so complex in your head.

I hit a wall.  A wall that could very much send me back into a maddening spiral of bad decisions.  I had been LAZY with stuff around the house…..only went to the gym for my assigned times with Mr. Trainer….and I’ve been WAY over indulgent in the food and alcohol department. 

And I FORGOT my own dang post about Forgiving Yourself.

I REALLY realized how much stress I was putting on myself about this when I actually had a dream where Mr. Trainer was telling me to stop it and get off my a@@!

But when I found that wall – I did something SO healthy I can’t believe it was me doing it!  I actually shared my frustration with someone who really, truly gets this whole journey I’m on.

Now, dear readers, THIS is like mind-blowing for me.  I usually take ugly things and let them fester until they make me sick or just come out in a big ugly mess of emotions.  But, I’m slowly learning to be better.  To let things go. 

You see, this friend told me a while back that sure, taking the first step may seem the hardest – but so many out there do that and then eventually stop.  It’s when you hit that wall….and he assured me I would….that defines who you are.  Do you keep pushing or do you just go back to old habits.  I heard it….kind of blew it off….because hello???  He’s a DUDE.  I’m a CHICK……and surely it has to be harder for chicks to take the first step than anyone else.  And why in the world would I want to go back when I’ve made it so far?

I have been humbled by life yet again…..NOPE!  My self righteousness took a big hit in the gut.

So my message to him was a something like, “I believe I’ve hit the damn wall.  HELP?!?!?!”  (No, I’m not dramatic AT ALL!)

His reply was simply, “Do you want to go back to where you were? Do you want all that hard work to be a waste? Take it easy for a little while, relax, then make a conscious decision to get back to it.”

So I wait to reply trying to think of something positive to say but all that comes out is, “I guess I know the answer....to just do it....but there are moments when it seems so hard to do it.....” (INSERT HUGE SIGH AND WHINE HERE)

I immediately regretted that reply because c’mon……SNAP OUT OF IT MOFABULOUS!  YOU’VE LOST 57 FREAKING POUNDS.  THAT’S LIKE A WHOLE 1st GRADER!!!!  YOU CAN DO THIS!

And then the skies opened up and the world smiled upon me when I got the most simple, forgiving, affirming message back:

“It seems like it is because IT IS. Take a few extra days. But you didn’t make it this far by letting hard get in the way. Everyone goes through burnout phases. Just push through it.  Remember what I told you. This is what will make or break you. Do you want to be made? Or do you want to be broken?”

MIND.BLOWN.  

Huh, someone actually acknowledged it IS HARD.  Hard to get back up and do it again.  Hard to keep going.  Hard to admit you’re not some no fail exercise and healthy eating person.

I'm a firm believer that sometimes in order to be made, you have to be broken first.  And let me tell you, I’ve been in the broken and don’t like it one bit.

So with the risk of sounding like a mix of a Katy Perry and Sara Bareilles song…..(I kid, I kid….they’re both on my playlist)

This girls going to be MADE.  Just watch me.

Lessons I'm Learning..........Forgive Yourself.

And this is where I get all thought provoking and stuff.  Hold on to your hats y’all…..cuz thinking is HARD.

So I’m on this new journey in life to figure out a lot of things.  Things that I’ve ignored for a long, long time……and perhaps have never faced head on….ever.

I guess you could say the catalyst (?  Maybe that’s the right word?  I dunno….junior high science teacher would be proud though.)  for this journey of mine has been working out regularly and losing weight in the process.  But this post isn’t really about all of that. 

For me, when it comes down to it, it’s about getting out of my own damn head. 

I know a lot of people start working out because they want to look fabulous and lose weight to whatever they consider an acceptable level.  Me however, no kidding, I started because I just quite simply wanted to FEEL better. 

I needed to get out of my head, out of my house, out of this prison of isolation I’d built around me.  And when I say I built it, I seriously did…..all on my own.  Brick by brick, insult by insult, tear by tear.  I loaded them up so high I could.not.breathe.  I’d break dates with friends….cancel on my family….beat myself up because I kept telling myself it didn’t matter if I showed up. 

I look back now and see I had hit absolute rock bottom but somehow in a tiny corner of my mind, I made a decision that I didn’t want to be there anymore.  I didn’t realize it then, but I made small choices everyday that helped dig me out….and pointed me in a positive, healthy direction. 

I asked for help.  I knew I couldn’t do it on my own. I thank God every day that He somehow gave me the strength to make those decisions.

One thing though that keeps sticking out to me and has become a sort of mantra is when I find myself doing something that normally would send me in a downward spiral of making unhealthy decisions again….I take a deep breath and tell my brain “Forgive Yourself.”

I KNOW it sounds cliché and it does clearly remind me of something I’d see in a skit somewhere where people are sitting around a bonfire and someone’s holding a talking stick and everyone’s all “Be one with the earth” and crap….but it’s for.real.

We live in a world today where we spend so much time on things like pinterest or facebook or just online media that have endless articles and projects about being supermom or having the perfect beach body or being a damn Martha Stewart in the kitchen. 

It’s freaking exhausting.

I think so many of these things set us up for failure in our own heads…..sure, we all WANT to be these things…..but there’s such a small percentage of us that will ever be THAT….and how do we know those people are truly happy anyways?

You know, I used to joke that my friends and family were the reason I was “big”….that they never told me I should be smaller and look like how we all think we’re supposed to look.

Truth is….they didn’t have to……I told myself that enough all the time.  The self hate was so HUGE I couldn’t hear anything else.  I….and only I….did that to myself.  I have always had fantastic family and friends that supported me and still support me today no matter what I choose to do.  They believed in me when I would never believe in myself….so why shouldn’t I take a chance on me?

My house is messy…..but it’s because I’m out LIVING life and not because I just don’t care nowadays.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

When I have a cocktail and meal consisting of all kinds of dirty caloric goodness…..it’s because I’m choosing to spend time with a friend and reconnecting on a level that’s so good for my soul and I now know it’s not healthy for me to count every calorie.  Tomorrow, I’ll do better.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

A relationship failed because of timing and circumstances and because I didn't believe I was worth it.  It’s a lesson learned and I realize now I need to be worth it to ME.  I’ll do better next time.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

I skipped a workout one day…..because I chose to spend that time playing with my nephew and remembering sometimes playing in a sandbox is just plain fun.  I’ll get back in the gym tomorrow.  FORGIVE YOURSELF.

It’s a lesson I wish I could scream out to people that I see going through the same thing but just don’t know how to get out of the never ending cycle.  It’s a lesson I still have to remind myself of every day.  It’s a lesson that I know will take me to wherever I want to be in life.

Like I’ve said….I’m taking this year to do what makes me happy….to experience things I might not ever have the guts to do again………and I KNOW I will never accomplish perfection in any of them, but THIS girl is totally ok with that.

Here we go!

So this year, I have resolved to try out new things....To push myself OUT of my comfort zone....To pretty much scare the crap out of myself because why the heck not??

Now this can mean many things to different people.  For me, it's both very small things like actually walking into a "real" gym.....or big things like taking an aerial silks class and not dying or ending up as an SNL skit.

No this is not me....but seriously could it be one day??

 But....we'll get to that little gem later.

It kind of feels like when I was 13 and had never been on a rollercoaster before, but I went on the Texas Giant (not the sissy new one....the original one that creaked like an 80 year old and ensured your future chiropractor they'll have a beach home in Malibu) during a school field trip JUST because there was a certain dark-haired boy with a cute smile that asked me to go on it with him.

I'll be 33 this year, hear that??  Thirty-FREAKING-Three.  It's due time that I start really living.

So, part of this new adventure is starting a blog because, clearly, those who know me KNOW I talk a lot. Much to their peril at times.  Whatevs.  I apparently just have a lot to say.

I'm on a new journey.  One to love me again.  One to experience things I never would have had the guts to do before.  And, surely, there HAS to be other people out there like me, right?

It's therapeutic for me to share my stories.  (Cuz, I'm not rich enough yet to be able to afford an actual therapist) And it makes me all googly inside when I hear that something I shared touched someone.  Even if it just gave them a laugh.  I'm totally ok with being laughed at BTW.....I do some funny shiz.  Most of the time, however, not on purpose.

My life is a comedy of errors.....but it is so incredibly blessed.....and I can't wait to see what it has in store for me.

Thank you (yes, YOU!) for your support along the way.....

XOXO